Where I was at a year ago
Want to keep this part short but I think it's important to explain why I felt Jinni was important for me to build.
Anxiety attacks and crying every day from Jan to March 2023. everyday at how much i hated everyone i had to deal with, how miserable I was in life with no way to see a path out, almost committed suicide a couple times middle of last year.
Shout out to Zuzalu for introducing me to people that actually care about me. I’ve literally never felt like I have real friends, that actively choose to be around me, or that I will be taken care of by anyone but that changed when I met these people. It's not just that I actually like and respect them which is also rare, it's that they go out of their way to be with me. This has definitely helped a lot with my general depression and despair for life and I think also with my hyper-anxiety.
Also shout out to Ethan as one of the big reasons I’ve learned how to actually “relax” and helped me get rid of my chronic hyper anxiety. No longer feel paranoia, scared of people constantly (still do here and there), feel pressure to constantly do work and jsut take time off.
The copious amounts of LSD I’ve taken in the past year might also be a component but before last year psychedelics would make me more anxious not more happy which is why i never really did them.
A Job; Oh No
First real job kinda ever. Somehow I actually kinda like working here.
Originally applied because I wanted to turn off my brain. Just wanted to be a mindless employee, no responsibility, just clock in work a couple hours a day, collect a check, and have something to force me into consistency. A job was the ultimate capitulation for me after i almost decided to commit suicide in June and July but seemed like a decent alternative. I figured maybe my problem was that I’m too unnormal, maybe if i was just “normal” I wouldn't have all these issues (hint: I was wrong)
Once i started working on Jinni, I still liked the idea of a job as a way to support me while building the game so i didn't have to monetize it and could explore its true potential as both a game and a self-actualization tool, both of which are generally antithetical to external profit motives.
My idea of a job taking no time, no responsibility, no pressure was completely wrong. In just two months I’ve somehow become a “founding team member”, am in charge of one of the most important aspects of the project, and have almost no time for anything but the necessities in life. Exactly the opposite of what I wanted yet it's much better than I expected.
I’ve already learned a lot in the ~2 months I’ve been working here. Mainly that it is in fact possible to enjoy working with people and be productive at the same time. Normally I either have a job for fun and dick around while getting paid or hate working with people but use it as a way to exploit them or someone else for money. This is kinda the best of both.
I think this will be a good opportunity for me in my self-actualization path. Actually being part of a real team for the first time ever, learning how to work with others, liking working with others, working on a project with a potentially huge impact on human society, and making a ton of monies too.
Japan trip
Originally, when I planned this trip before I had a job, it was going to be a 3-month trip around japan visiting the most remote areas that I haven't been to yet and scouting for locations to buy a house. Unfortunately this got cut down to 1-month (the horror) because job wants me back onsite to do work (ewww).
I got a Japan RailPass for the first time and holy fuck what a great deal. $100 bucks for unlimited business-class shinkansen for 3 weeks! I was fucking zooming all over the place on that shit.
The trip started with Akiya Collective. They are a [insert their blurb here] Buying abandoned houses in rural japan and rejuvenating them through art residencies. They had 2 years of residencies where they took trips through the countryside to scout properties in different regions. They finally closed on their first property in February 2024. I arrived March 31 to help clean up the house and prepare it for renovations. .
Week of dope shit at Akiya:
moved ~500kg of old furniture out of the house to the recycling center (measures by recycling center)
10 big boxes of books and paper work to be donated or burned
Mini band photoshoots with instruments and kimonos we found in the house
Started cataloguing items for a charity auction to fund renovations
2 onsen sessions
Lots of shared meals which was nice. Basically spent every moment every day together which was a lot but also we got into a good flow as a group.
Stay up to date with Akiya by reading daily journals by different people staying there and contributing to the project https://www.notion.so/akiyacollective/99acea439ddc4819b0dba39e5117fcd4?v=0be42a5883654bda9ea5a75633b8b89f&p=299711dcd4b145f8954b5f888d804cf2&pm=s
AV testing night at Akiya Collective:
Learning to 3d print to fix an original 1980 Gameboy:
Rest of Japan
The rest of the trip I was exploring random parts of the country. It felt like the first time in a while that I was actually going on adventures and doing new and exciting things. For a while I just travelled because I had nowhere to stay but I didn't want to be anywhere either so I kinda just shut myself in a hole in some random place until I had to leave again. MAybe its because I’ve spent the most amount of time travelling in Japan or because you can take a train literally anywhere, or because people are so nice,
One of my target metrics for this year is time spent in spas. I spent ~16 hours in 3 weeks in onsens in Japan. Practically a part time job being so relaxed and having immaculate skin lmao.Spent a grand total of maybe $80 for all 6 different onsen sessions. Japan truly is the best place ever.
Went on a 36 hour trip to Kawazu to see waterfall onsens and sakura with an amigo. We couldnt find a place to stay the night before but decided fuck it lets go anyway and find something when we are there. Turns out the internet is a lie and the entire town was basically empty and all the inns had only a couple people staying there. We still decided to stay at a campsite. We rented a tent and sleeping bags and to sleep next to a river with giant trees around us. Once we figured out accommodations we went to find onsens. We ended up finding a dope onsen inside a cave next to the river! It looked like an abandoned construction site from the outside (it lowkey was) but sitting in a steaming hot bath in a dark cave with a tiny opening just big enough to squirm through and do cold plunges into some of the freshest water I’ve ever experienced was !!!!!!!
Skinny dipping in Kawazu river:
Goto Islands was one of the most astounding places I’ve ever been to. I really fell in love with the geology and volcanic rocks in Japan this time around. Apparently Goto isn’t totally formed by lava like I thought even though there are multiple volcanos on the island. I had a great time going for runs along the coastline, biking across the island to see sights, and my. I showed my Airbnb posts the “AV testing night” at Akiya as an example of rejuvenation and making art in the house. "What a great idea. Tatami mat clubs, no shoes!" he said.
Then right after dinner he turned off the lights, lit some candles, put on some techno music, and started playing guitar while his kid danced around with a strobing flashlight lmao. So wholesome.
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Takahama beach in Goto:
5 days in Goto was too short. I only got to see one side of one island, and while it was the biggest island, there are 4 other ones and i didnt go to any onsens! Apparently there are a few natural onsens that you don't even need to pay to go in. Next time. I’ll be back in Japan in a few months.
I was surprised at how much Japanese (spoken + written) I remembered. I was having semi-decent convos in Japanese by the end of the month. I’ll def keep practicing while I'm gone. Major hack I’ve learned is using Spotify's karaoke feature to learn kanji for words I know by sound. And I’ll be starting to watch anime again, it's been too long anyway.
My New Name Is…
What names mean to me. Time boxing personalities, thought and action patterns, lifestyles, etc. as well as adding context to social interactions like “oh they know me as X so they only know Y about me”.
Originally despite not wanting to identify as my original name I do think its quite dope so i derived some rules for my future names from it
first and last name are both 2 syllables
first and last name are different languages
First name only has hard consonants and simple vowels for easy international pronunciation
double/triple entendre of what first and/or last name could mean (separately or combined)
Recently I’ve added 2 additional aspects to my names
a title
a qualifier for my title
I started calling myself “King Kiba'' about 6 months ago, partially because “King” is a direct translation of my original name, partially just for contemptuous shitposting reasons. Somehow I became quite attached. to the idea of being a pirate over the past couple months so I added it as a qualifier to become “Pirate King Kiba'' and i do think it is my final and ultimate form (as Kiba). All the homies seem to love it too, probably because it plays into my personality and skillset so well.
But I’ve known for a year or two now that Kiba is coming to an end. I’ve been adamant about this for the last year that i need to move on to a better version of myself as I psychologically and emotionally evolve out of whatever fucked up thing I’ve been in my past.
So far I’m leaning towards Zahhi as my new name. Its a japanese word I invented a couple weeks ago :P. I derived Zahhi from Zakka . Zakka means random items you chose to to surround yourself with to bring joy and enhance one's living environment bringing happiness to your daily life. Zahhi is that concept but for experiences not things, replacing the symbol for “things” with “days”. Zahhi is about creating a bunch of random experiences in your daily life that bring you joy. I have also since abstracted Zahhi and Zakka into another new word Zaaa. Zaaa is like “thats a vibe” but more like “wow idk wtf that is but its dope af” from the kanji Zatsu 雑 for “miscallaneous things” which is first symbol for Zakka and Zahhi.
I’m still coming up with a last name to match with Zahhi. Maybe *cluck* *cluck* is my last name (flicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth). Sounds fun. Qualified title is Galactic Emperor. Galactic Emperor Zahhi *cluck* *cluck* loidkl. I like the meaning of Galactic Emperor matched with “variety of suns” name, pretty baller.
I’m 95% sure/committed that I’m going to shave off all my hair as part of my name change. I was actually planning on doing that anyway when I got my new job and moved to Berlin for the punk aesthetic with goth makeup but now I’m not so sure if I’ll move to Berlin even if I did get the job but baldy vibes persist.
Sobriety
I told myself in November after 3 weeks of working and partying super hard, even working while partying, sitting in a corner at house parties in Istanbul, and then getting a bronchitis lung infection that I would try and be sober for a year. No smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol or even smoking weed for 12 months.
I knew it was impossible. Even with the explicit allowance to do psychedelics. After drinking and smoking heavily every day for 4 years living in Asia and 10 years of smoking weed nearly everyday, I literally couldn't remember (drug induced or because the experience simply didn't exist) of being truly sober. Hungover doesn't count. The last time I can remember not being drunk, high, or hungover was when I was 19 backpacking in New Zealand and hitchhiking to work on farms in Japan.My heavy alcohol and marijuana use started at 13 and ramped up at 16.
I did well the first two months. Surprisingly well in fact. Ironically enough it was social pressure at Vitalia, the longevity conference, that made me cave. Not that people there forced me to drink but at one of the parties everytime people came in they grabbed a drink and cheersed with everyone there and I felt like I was missing out on a critical bonding experience. I also smoked weed on my birthday (almost an existential mandate if I had one) and then it was all downhill from there. For one month I was mostly sober again while I stayed in Vermont and started my new job. There were a couple relapses here and there over the course of a month on an outing with friends here or there but within reason.
It started to fall apart again one day in Fukouka when my depression/anxiety hit me like a fucking train again. I felt this eternal dread that everything was wrong, that things were going to go terribly, that I was fucking up somehow. I had gone for a 5km run that morning and felt fine, even good since that's something i can feel now. I felt joyous at an outdoor camping trade market on that sunny Sunday morning in the park surrounded by JApanese people hanging out with their family and . But something abruptly changed at 2pm. By 5pm I was holding back from sobbing, thinking I was doomed, a feeling I haven't had since last Juy/August ~8 months ago. So of course I started drinking. And bought a pack of cigarettes, my first since November. And they both made me feel worse, which i liked, its kinda why i started doing them in the first place.
I had mostly recovered a couple 2 days later when I went to Goto Islands, the far west of the Japanese archipelago almost near Korea. I somehow lost my cigarettes on the ferry overnight which I took as a good omen to start fresh again. But then my Airbnb hosts picked me up and they happen to both be heavy smokers. As they drove me around and gave me short tours of the island over the days I was there, they kept offering me stoges at all these stunning scenics locations and its hard to say no, both from a cultural and “fuck it way not live life” perspective.
I’ve been getting progressively worse since then. Its hard to notice but I think I can feel how much less sharp/focused/energetic/etc. I am after a few weeks of drinking/smoking. Even when I’m at only 10% of my previous usage, it’s def a contrast to nothing. So I’m reupping on my belief that I should be sober, now that I know somewhat what that feels like.
Strangely I feel like people are more tolerable when I’m fucked up but life feels generally less vibrant. When I’m sober I loathe people much more but life feels better and I feel a stronger sense of agency/isolation to leave the people I’m around instead of being drunk and grinding through the interaction and tolerating them, making me more miserable in life generally.
Nootropics
Since Vitalia I’ve been playing around with some nootropics. Nothing stable.reliable as one could expect of me but I think I’ve gotten a vibe of each.
NAD+ - literally makes me high with energy, one of the most organic euphoric feelings I’ve ever had.I started taking it around 5pm to get in a second work day in Vermont and realized I couldnt sleep until 2-4am so started taking it much earlier but then I need to take a nap later
NMN - doesnt have a concious effect but maybe does something at smaller scale or longer timeline than NAD+
Selanx/Semak Acephtynal Acetate - tbh didn't feel anything. Was taking them 1-2 times a day each for a month and then accidentally forgot them when I came to Japan and didn't notice a difference. Felt happier and more stable in Japan hanging out with people than I did in Vermont while taking them
Noopept - No conscious feeling but I think it makes me feel better. Of all of them i think I go to it the second most after NAD+ if i feel like i want energy or have a good time
Bromatine - I dont necessarily feel more focused or productive but I do feel like I think better. I think I also get better sleep when I take it near bedtime but maybe that's because it makes my brain tired from working harder, not the substance itself? Don't know how to test that but better sleep would be great. I wake up groggy and mindfog almost everyday. Could have been the depressions and alcoholism but it hasn't gone away in the 4 months of less drinking so idk.
Phenibut - Haven't tried it yet, supposedly anti-anxiety which I'm sure I need. If I ever feel like talking to girls (which I think I should learn to do) I think I’ll take it and try. Or maybe i should take it and see if it makes me want to do so naturally and I just have a psychological block
Jinni Progress
No technical or product development in the past 2 months since I started my job unfortunately. But there has been a lot of good progress. Mainly that I feel really depressed and sad not working on it, which for an ADHD person like me, after 4 months of continual development and working the hardest I’ve done in a while, that is a great sign that this project means a lot to me and I will keep going.
I was telling someone that it is both frustrating and fortunate that I stopped at exactly the point I did. I have built the entire app including the AI pipeline and I am stuck on literally the last piece to get the MVP working, having DALLE modify your current avatar image into its new form based on the AI data analytics output we have already stored in the database.
Frustrating because I’m so close to having the app done and feeling like I actually accomplished something before I stopped. Fortunate because this means I feel compelled to go back and keep working on it which I might not have if I had finished the app before my new job. And now once I get the time to work on it again I will be able to keep working on it so it's kinda the perfect checkpoint even if it feels bad..
Conclusion
This was really long but its been two months since i journaled and a lot has been going on.
Things are going ok, not as great as they were a couple months ago but not as bad as a year ago.
Experimenting with healthy alternative substances hasnt turned me away from toxic substances
Buying a house in Japan soon. Come visit :)
Jinni app hasnt made progress but im still making progress on self-actualization
New job. Going surprisingly well. Lets make $$$$
Learning to enjoy life alone(ish) outside specific groups that helped me recover
This wasnt everything but thanks for reading it all still lol